Tonight its kinda breezy and cold (its due to the raining weather) and a quiet night. I love peace and sometimes I do enjoy riots. But not tonight, please..
Actually I am about to study for my test this morning but I can’t take it no more so I decided to write a little, spend a little of time with WordPress and stuff.
Tonight I willing to share a bit of my biggest-dream-ever , that I wish it will come true. My deepest inquisition of all time right after I converted my faith to Islam. Though I may not be a good Muslim, but I always had this kind of intention of becoming a good Muslimah, faithful to my beloved religion and the Messenger, Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu ‘alaihi wasalam, and be true to the only God, Allah Subhanahu wa Taala.
I have a small talk with one of a muslimah that I’ve known for several years she is the wife of someone-who-I-adore-the-most-and-respect, and I fond of her because she really inspire me to become a better muslimah myself. I had a chat with my friend in Facebook and we are discussing about his studying in a religious school. He is currently studying Iqra and he is moving to level 4 now. He told me had a peace of mind there after a few month and so, and he even spend a lot of time with his mother before he continue his degree. I am so glad that he could managed to go to the school as I planned to go right after diploma but I have to move it until I finished my degree in TESL. I think I could spend more after degree, and I’m planning to study somewhere in Kelantan or Kedah, in a old,custom madrasah school where they teaches religious study. I really want to prepare myself with tauhid, feqah, and sirah of Rasullallah Sallahu ‘alaihi wasalam.
I think it is time for me to catch up with everything that I had started. Looking back on my past life, I don’t think I enjoy so much as I learnt so many thing as I grew up. I turn 21 now and I suppose to act, or behave as a legit muslim, as what I oath Islam as my religion now.
I still remember when I was a kid, I used to learn so much about Islam and what makes me believe it is true religion, Islam teaches a lot — from how to behave as a good muslim, to what I should wear or even how I should dress up in front of ajnabi (opposite gender) and muhrim, and even cover a lot of thing which is based on a sharia. For me Islam is about discipline. It teaches its ummah equally. Islam does not oppress the people of lower classes and did not glorify the nobility. Islam never differentiates Muslims and Muslims claim also taught us to be fair and impartial in conducting worship. Islam is a way of life.
When I was a child, my ustaz used to tell us sirah before we off to sleep. Just like a parent who read a story books to their kids before they go to sleep. Sirah of Prophet Muhammad and His companions. Our heroes. Subhanallah, I really missed those moment. Always we kept it in mind, ‘O Allah, give our greetings to Your Love Muhammad, and his companions. Indeed, we miss at thy’. Now, it seems too far away as I am no longer heard the stories, and never perform prayers for Him, but always takes it for granted. O Allah, forgive all my mistakes.. I never meant to but I was too carried away by the urban lives and enjoyed too much fun. But deep in my inquisitions, I miss those moment — I used to pray together with all of the muallaf, recited Holy Quran together, perform tarawih and did a lot of things together as a Muslim. Now, as I enter college life, everything I did, I never put my Faith as the first choice. Seldom I think about Islam as the way of life. Astaghfirullah.. Forgive me Allah.. Everything I did was driven by passion. Istighfar.. Astaghfirullah al’azim.. Forgive me Allah..
I want to cover myself with an appropriate clothes, instead of wrapping my body. I want to be a better Muslimah. I don’t want to burden people around me, especially people who have legit right on me, with my sins. And I don’t either people look at me as I have no dignity. I have my right to be taken care of, and to be protected. I don’t want to bring sin for those who look at me, wearing thin or inappropriate garment. I want to be a daughter, who is an obedient daughter to her parents, a caring sister to her siblings, a wife who pleased her husband, and an obedient servant to his Creator..
Everything I wanted I dedicate to Allah, the Only God of the Universe, the Creator and the Al-Mighty, the One who desires everything he want. May Allah grant me with all my wishes. My Only God, I have asked for too much. Nothing else matter, if its only for You.
I know the first step is the hardest but I will make it happen. Doesn’t matter if it takes time or not but I will figure it out sooner or later. All I wish is may Allah bless me all my efforts, and du’as from others too.. Insha Allah, this is what I wanted, and this is the way of life I have been dreaming of.
I am not asking for a highest place in Heaven, no, but all I wish is to be one who are kept her promises, and to be what I really wanted to be — a better Muslimah, Insha Allah..
My life, my Faith are all for You, o Allah..
Grant me with You strength to make it through, and to make it happen.
My soul, my belief are Yours to take.
Hidup matiku hanya untuk-Mu Ya Allah..
Selangor First State University, Bestari Jaya Campus